How to be a Godman: for dummies

The characters in this post may not be fictitious. Any resemblance to people, living or recently dead may not be coincidental either. The videos, logs, links, images and place names indicated in this post are used just for transparency purposes but this author may not fully endorse the viewpoints in them. No patent/ idea trademarks have been applied to this post and you can feel free to implement them if you've the business acumen. Good luck.

Since there are no crash courses/ diploma/ baccalaureate programmes in any Universities offering education and training in Divinity/ Godmen enacting, I propose this draft to aid and guide wannabe Gods. About time we recognize the demand for such a course and request the help of my readers to pressurise the Unis to include this programme as a new Bachelor of Arts subject.

How to be a Godman

Ok, Let's get straight to the topic.

Make up your mind: Think twice, thrice or a hundred times about this. Be extremely cautious as this is the most crucial step in the whole business. There is no turning back once you're in and established. Meaning, if you get bored of the con-work then it may mean disaster. Think of the virtues of life you're going to compromise if you take up the con-way, but in the end if you're successful it's all worth it.

Do some background tweaking: Will be a question mark in the future. So convince those around you, including your parents. Brainwash your mommy and daddy that you just appeared on their bed one fine morning in padmasanam position with the hands in utharabodhi mudra, that you recited Upanishads and vedas at 3 years, had aura around your head etc etc. If you've some shady past then do your best to cover the tracks.

Gather some basic education: Get well versed in a few essential subjects.

• Religion: Learn all major religions equally well. Memorize some catchy phrases from the Gita, Bible or Quran. Learn to blend them well when you're giving your enlightening speeches or sending out news bulletins. 6 out of 10 may recognize the original source, 2 of those may come out in the open but we've still got 4/10 fooled and bamboozled by your cosmic gyan. Nuff! That's all what we need for a start.

• Vedas: Precursor to modern Science, the vedas have accumulated incredibly rich and accurate scientific knowledge and principles, mostly encompassing local knowledge. Put them to use and see how the chakras work for you! 

• Astrology: Basic knowledge is quintessential. People come to you with an innate desire to know what's ahead of them. Get a handle on some tricks, build a database from prediction patterns in Astrology magazines and put them to use. Remember, always be vague. 

• Psychology: Be a good observer and listener. Learn body language and signs. Distinguish between the hardcore bhakts, the 50-50 folks and the WTF guys. Don't try your petty, raw tricks on the last category; they'll spot-bust you.

• Kamasutra: This is a double-edged sword. Use it very carefully or you'll inadvertently end up slicing your butt. Once you're embroiled in women and sex then the quick-path to doom will be open.

• Magic: There is nothing like some good, cheap parlour tricks. Try the capsule-with-bhasma-between-your-fingers trick, some disappearing-reappearing acts, turning stone-into-gold tricks etc etc etc. Master your environment and your subjects' mind and they'll even see you levitate, your statue drinking milk and such outrageous stuff. Yes, hysteria is a powerful phenomena.

• Science: Trust in Science. Trust more in Medical Science, especially a wing called Psychosomatic Disorders. Acknowledge the power of mind over body; you understand that, your principles don't. Do NOT attempt to revive the dead, unless of course you're enacting a drama with your trusted pals.

• Pharmacology: May be necessary at times, especially in the nascent stages of your career. Always be prepared with some powdered allopathic and ayurvedic medicines to develop the 'healing power'. Mix with 'bhasma' and instruct your followers to drink it along with some milk in front of your photo. This will work.

• Politics: Learn and understand politics and politicians. Find out how they survive, which will provide valuable insights and route-map for your survival too. You need a specially developed skin which will put the toughest pachyderms to shame. And Indian politicians are one of the best evolved of those species on the planet.  

 Be prepared to invest in time and money: It will take some time to build the brand, so be patient. Give yourselves say, 5 years. This will be a testing time. Invest in some 2gram Gold coins/ ornaments(don't ever use rolled Gold),some good medicinal products, be benevolent and philosophical, participate in community charities, engage with people, utilize the oratory skills and cheap tricks you've perfected, talk some 'Cosmic Bullshit' which will shut traps.

Eg: "Known is a drop, unknown is an Ocean. Science just discovered 1% of Cosmic Phenomenon, there are 99% still left to be discovered, which may not be possible to explain through rationalisation"

You need such tactics and verses to shut these atheists, scientists and cynics. Always be wary of the educated and clever but keep in mind that they're still human. Try the 'aura', 'psychology' and 'hysteria' card.

Do some homework: Follow and go through the life cycles of your successful predecessors and identify common factors. Also look into the history of flop-Gods, some examples are illustrated in the latter part of this passage. Write down and memorize the do's and dont's. Build a personal library of some good philosophical quotes, proverbs and sayings.As we learned before, mix them well and use them in your enlightening spiritual guidance.

Brand building: Very important. Start from the name. The suffix 'ananda' seems to be in vogue but no harm trying to be different. Don't be hasty in demanding the title 'Bhagvan'. Allow time to acquire that status; its some kinda Doctorate in this subject. Start with 'Guru', 'Swamy', 'Mata' and so on. Synonyms for 'happiness', 'glory' or 'truth' with a connection to Sanskrit will be perfect.

Chose a colour which is not too hard on the eyes but strikes a distinctive connection with soul-related subjects. Say, saffron, yellow, blue, white or even black...Decide on the shade and style of attire you're going to chose. Even the hair-style and accessories could be important in giving this 'feeeeel' to your disciples and fans.

Take care in naming the Ashram too. Something connected to your incarnation avatar. Once you short-list your pseudonym, then christening the Ashram should be a cake walk.

Ashram location: My advice; build in a new place where there is plenty of scope for expansion. The site should have space for your all important, sprawling Ashram & appendages and must also have future provision for hospitals, airport, transport facilities, schools, work place, community support centers etc. If you're a visionary then you'll build a whole new town in your name, frequently visited by leaders of State and other VVIPs. Imagine that!

Always be vague:Don't be clear-cut when giving speeches or when predicting causes and courses. Don't say "There will be an earthquake on April Fools day." Rest assured, there wont be one and you'll be in s**t. Say, "I see the unhappiness of Mother Earth getting ready to unleash her potent anger to strike down on mankind when the stars move across the north-eastern planes at an oblique angle" Trust the "law of averages" and "probability theories". Next week if the Pacific Ring of Fire cracks, which it obviously will, you've hit bulls eye! Nobody will notice it if nothing has happened. Bingo! :)

Respect nature and natural laws:  Remember, Mother nature is the lone power we have to fear. Do not even think about conquering her. In other words, respect the elements. God forbid, if a fire breaks out or a tsunami strikes, then get your ass out asap. Nature does not discriminate. Survive. Live to tell and hear your miracles another day. Always keep a handle on the real world outside even when you're deep inside your Matrix.

Continuing education:  Acknowledge the need to develop your skills and knowledge. Don't always BS the same, repetitive stuff on stage; you need new numbers to attract new and more preys.

• Continue reading books on the essential subjects listed above
• Perfect your language Skills
• Polish your oratory skills 
• Practice new magic tricks
• Learn people and resource management
• Practice and perfect Yoga and meditation

Prepare to be 'inhumanly' generous: Our USP! This is the best way to get some serious attention & loyalty. Poverty, misery, suffering and unhappiness sells everywhere in the world. Give selflessly to what the needy needs. Treatment for illness, money, free education, food and clothes, psychological support. This is your bread and butter. Once you're well off, then build hospitals for the poor, schools, small-scale industries to employ local women, orphanages etc. Also try your hand in social upliftment by constructing houses for the poor, plan and carry out water supply/ electricity projects for the community. This is what will boost up your name and fame, this is what will make you who you are, this is what will shut the mouths of people who criticize you.

Give back to the society what you get from them. Afterall our Govt itself is the biggest supporter of our business with generous tax exemptions, green-channel travel and Z-category VIP treatment. So use a percentage of these tax-free cash to generously give freebies to society.

Always be aware that there is nothing in the world like good mouth publicity.

Keep it simple: Classic example, this lady just 'hugs'. Yes man, she just hugs, and see the effect. Last time I heard the 'hug' was worth 2000 Crores.



In other words, adhere to basic psychological support, magic tricks and principles. Don't try to predict the day and date you're going to die or else you'll end up confusing a lot of your disciples like the late Baba who died a good decade early than he 'predicted'. Adhere to the 'always be vague' principle when acting the Nostradamus.

Do believe in the power of prayers. Prayer has been clinically proven to increase body immunity and even wade off conditions like Cancer. Yeah, it is called 'Spontaneous regression of Cancer' and attributed to physiological changes to the body induced by psychological mechanisms. So keep it simple through prayers, yoga, meditation and philosophical teachings.

Recruit: Make sure you've got some good, trustworthy professional personnel behind you, yeah get some MBA guys. An educated man knowing the tricks of the trade is always an asset.You'd need financial experts to manage your money, good investment advisers, media relations pros,political advisers and over time you'd need specialized professionals to manage your hospital business, media channels, print & press and a whole bunch of money minting ventures.

Make sure you gather some real loyal supporters who'd stand by you. Extremely crucial. C'mon, don't expect to fool everyone all the time. Someone will catch you in the act. Give people power and wealth that they'd stand by you.

Franchise:  Even with all sophistication, you'd need someone in person who'd get grasp of local knowledge. Even USA has man-spies to infiltrate countries and organizations in spite of all those satellites and James Bond gadgets. So build pan-India, pan-World network. Get your disciples to open small Ashram branches in far away towns where you can keep a track of people visiting you.

Spread your wings abroad. Try Amreeka, Eurozone and co. What they have is money, what hey don't have is peace of mind. Offer them that in return for what they have. This is a successful ploy. And do I need to explain the significance of foreign money.


Draft visitor/ media policies: Ban mobiles, cameras, camcorders and such malicious stuff. It is almost impossible to perform miracles on tv other than cheapo magic tricks. Learn what our other rivals or contemporary men-of-magic have done on camera. No one has turned water into wine on visual record.  Accept the fact that you're NOT a Lord Ram or Jesus Christ.

Remember, even the best swamis have been caught red-handed. This mischievous cameraman have almost poured water into a whole life work. And learn your tricks well; don't be a pathetic stage-magician like this baba.



Utilise business opportunities when it arises. There is always scope for an Ashram-based TV Channel or newspaper showing only the astounding 'miracles'. Take special notice that if you start a school or college, then include your story and teachings in the syllabus.

Always be in control: After a while even you may start to believe that there is something special in you. Don't overdo yourself. Learn from mistakes other wannabe Gods did in the past. Know the limits. Make sure you don't get too public with your fans like this idiot did a few moths back... Raasaleela is fine but not on Public domain unless you claim to be Valstyayana II or a Kamasutrananada. Well, even if you're so I wouldn't do this. Not acceptable.




 Reassess the situation regularly: After a while even you will be dumbstruck by the miracle tales you hear about you. That you've healed cancer, you've brought rain to the desert, you've produced apple in the Papaya tree etc etc. Don't lose focus. Study where other fools have faltered...Some important Case Studies would be:

Santhosh Madhavan



Bhadrananda 'Thokku' Swami: Biggest donkey! He not only uses vulgar language on screen but brings out the real character in him. Don't involve too much in politics and controversial social issues; its not your take. Don't be an ass like this fella; a perfect case study of how not to act a Godman. How depressing! He also has a dedicated Youtube Channel to enlighten the 'masses' which is full of profanity, like this. 




Lesson: When in a hole, stop digging.

Remember the Cardinal rules: Pay extra attention to the following sum-up points.

• Never ever take up open challenges. Remember to be epiphanic and use juggle of philosophical phrases as explained above.
• Don't lose focus. Remember, we're here for green bucks, not to be levitated straight to heaven
• Keep your enemies far, detractors close enough but keep your friends tightly together.
• Misery, sorrow and suffering are our bread and butter. Don't waste any opportunity to help people, win their trust and loyalty.
• Treat all politicians equally and respectfully; never show discrimination.They're the one breed of people who can bring your empire crashing down overnight.

Just in case things go horribly wrong, try relocation, brand revamp, a new pseudonym and try tweaking your methods. If you burn your bum trying to be Vatsyayananda in Bangalore, then try being Ahimsananda in Ahmedabad or try the hugging-kissing exponent in Varanasi. Remember, relocation is the key here.

Bottomline: For every sensible person in this world you have may be a 100 souls willing to be fooled. They're your potential, they're your valuable customers. Don't mind the detractors too much; they're outnumbered. People will believe a lie screamed at you rather than a truth softly spoken.

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Hell in a handbasket

Disclaimer: The references to any specific community or belief in this article is not aimed at spreading hatred. The newslinks provided are from national news-agencies and I regret if any of the observations made here hurt any reader in any way.


The smart Kerala Police has nabbed the prime suspect in the Ernakulam Collectorate blast the other day. Nice job again, yes, provided you keep him warm for the next few years.





Because the last time this guy Abdul Halim was arrested for stealing a car, (later proved to be used for the Bangalore blasts) the Police let go of him as they were taken for a ride by his tear-jerker tale about a dying wife! Imagine that...





Well, this post isn't exactly about Abdul Halim or Kerala Police but about a few uncomfortable pricks which have managed to creep under the unsuspecting Kerala society. The literate, affluent, forwardish and orhodox mallu-land folks are awakening to the rude truth that our evergreen strip of earth is no longer a cozy honeymoon point.

In reality, Kerala is emerging with a tag none of us would like to hear...a feather-bed for perpetrators and extremists. Look at this report from the Institute for Defense Studies , New Delhi, as early as in 2006.



The fact that the recent terror attacks in our country cut a vivid trail back to our state should've been a wake-up call for our think-tanks, especially in the aftermath of Mumbai 26/11. On the contrary, when other states have fastened their seat belts, Kerala still seems to be on a jaywalk with our lethargic leaders turning a deliberate blind eye towards the looming danger on the horizon.




The Calicut bus-stand blasts failed to wake us up, the Intelligence reports about utilization of Kerala soil for illicit activities were brushed aside, training camps in Vagamon went un-noticed and now we got it in a major district headquarters, and is it wrong to assume that these were dry runs for a much bigger or softer target? Still our Home Minister has gone on record claiming that the Collectorate blast was a one-off incident and nothing to be concerned about. Will our authorities and leaders only wake up if the wrong people decide to test the walls, furniture and the living souls inside the Secretariat, God forbid? Or perhaps we haven't got enough blood on our hands to necessitate desperate measures?



As a Keralaite, its appalling to see the ever-growing tally of Malayalees figuring in the wrong lists for the wrong deeds.

I always assumed religious fanaticism and intolerance to be ingredients of an idle, demented and illiterate mind. How wrong I was! Its shocking, to say the least, that the major culprits we've got here are all professionally educated folks bred out of leading institutions. So education doesn't make a man wise, does it? And such chauvinism indwelling in the minds of the exuberant Kerala youth appears baffling to many.The authorities may better check out the breeding grounds for the next battalion of fanatics right inside our professional colleges. It is unfair and in-just to point the finger at any particular community, but it will be for our own demise if we let loose the activities that go on in the name of God down there. It is no secret that there is widespread preaching classes, akin to those in Madrassas, going on in the Hostels of our Medical and Engineering colleges. The malleable young brains are moulded too easily and injected with all the malignant ideas, and I've been a spectator to this while in college. Some of the 'teachers' are upto no good, belonging to the same class as Abdul Halim, and the seeds of hatred, violence and fanaticism are easily sown.


A major aganda of these religious preaching is to view the religion above self, family and motherland. Inadvertently, provided the sensitive and abrasive history of our country, it is not too difficult to inject the poison of anti-nationalism into these students. End result: we get outputs like Shibily (software engineer and mastermind behind Vagamon camp) and C.A.M.Basheer(Aeronautical Engineer and most-wanted terrorist) from our colleges. This bud has to to plucked out and crushed at the earliest, for our own good.

The policies of our govt doesn't help either, with now Madrassas bestowed the same value as a CBSE certificate we can expect a turbulent ride, in future. Madrassas, whatever be the noble intentions behind them, have often turned out to be breeding grounds for fundamentalism, as evident from across our national border. Hush, these vote-bank politics...


Remember, the same vote-bank calculations almost caused a few lives in Calicut and Cochin because this guy Halim, a former ISS/PDP activist and Abdul Nasser Madhani's bodygurad, evaded arrests just because of the political environment which prevailed in Kerala before the previous Lok sabha elections.

Mr. Karat and Mr. Pinarayi may check and recheck their coalition arithmetic before their affiliate decide to check out a few more soft points. The only attribute I found right in the Left was their true-secular policies and now it has just vapourised into thin air. PDP had its rebirth from the murky shadows of the ISS(Islamic Sevak Sangh) and its alarming to see our mainstream political parties joining hands with such fringe groups.

Let's face it, our State Police is not trained to deal with this rising threats of extremism and still operates under shoe-string budgets. We need to discriminate a rookie goonda or petty thief from a trained extremist, and at the moment our laws are too soft on the latter. If Halim walks out through the loopholes in our system again, like he did last time, then its only a matter of time before he makes us regret.

So ding-dong! Its wake-up time... Act now before its too late. Do we need to write all scripts in blood? After all it is much much more thicker than water.

Related Post: Living on borrowed time

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The lesson not learned...

Its an all too familiar situation if you are in Kerala at the moment. Yeah, there is a typhoon swirling across the state, a political one as always, and the storm originating in the teacup(again, as usual).

The calmest part of a storm is said to be the eye, and the adjective is easily adorned to the center of the present controversy: Page 24 in the History textbook, Class VII, Kerala Syllabus.

Ok, so before I go on about what I feel in this case, here are some excerpts from some of the social bloggers I take seriously...I've long back ceded relying on print & visual media to catch a glimpse of the true state of affairs, and blogosphere is the last arena where you can see some honest and open opinions.

Just as I was fretting over the vacuum in the versatile Kerala blogspace about this affair, Talkies guru Brahmaprakash Narayanan detailed out the matter, for the first time for me to understand what the turmoil was all about.

Insights into the matter were given by Kerala Tips, in a revealing mirror image twin posts. Make sure you read the corrected second post before the original opinion. Ajay Prasad, who seldom writes anything without "Trivandrum" in it, has his say here, and is surprised himself by the response he received for an off-topic. I've gone through the posts of Kenny Jacob and a few other related ones and found them all supporting the chapter.

Now here is the eye of the tempest, anglicized.

The setting is the principals office, where the kid, Jeevan appears with his parents.

Principal: “What is your name?”
“Jeevan”

Principal: “Good name...father’s name?”
“Anwar Rasheed''

Principal: "Mother’s name?”
“Lakshmi Devi”

The Principal raises his chin & looks at the parents

Principal: “What should I fill in for the kid’s religion?”
Parents : “Keep it blank…or else add No Religion”

Principal: “What about Caste?”
Parents : “not needed”

The Principal leans back on his chair and asks seriously.

Principal: “What if he wants a religion when he grows up?”
Parents : “If he feels he needs a religion, he is free to choose the one he likes then”

I'm damn sure about my feelings in this case.. This lesson needs to be taught... Taught in such a way that the kids never lose the lesson in it.

Now back to the outburst itself. This seemingly innocuous prose managed to kick up such vehement hostility among a large section of the public. All the religious organisations and political parties joined hands against the Govt accusing this as a definite attempt to instill Communism and atheism in juvenile thoughts.

The Education Ministry, though boldly rubbishing the allegations, stands in deep waters. The interests of all the players in this drama are temporarily aligned. It turned out that there was a well-disguised backup to this chapter in a series of sessions & workouts in the textbook, which brings the intentions of the Govt under scrutiny. Check out the following excerpts from the same text book:

This time the setting is an agitation against a typo landlord, who has a car and a big bungalow. There is a group shown as agitating against him. A motorist is watching the scene.

The group: Stop letting the fields remain without harvest.

Landlaord: I'll do whatever I like in my paddyfield...may fill it...leave it barren or will construct a building. I'm a free citizen of India.

The Motorist:(at the agitators) don't these people have any other job?

The textbook asks the students: How will you respond to social situations like these?

Here is a very evident attempt to promote the commie ideas of ''vettinirathal'' and ''anti-feudalism protests''. But for Gods sake where does feudal landlords exist in Kerala now? And it is a dangerous attempt to create more futile citizens like we have in DYFI and the likes now. Please allow at least the next generation of Keralites to come out of the hole???

There is another instance in the textbook when a guy apparently hails India's present day economic development, but immediately it is compared to India's progress under the British regime...

Guy 1: Whatever, British rule was a class in itself. Everything had a proper arrangement.

Guy 2: What are you telling? Even if it was for 2 days, didn't Mukesh Ambani become the wealthiest man in the world?

Now how vicious is that appearing to be?? This essentially provides opportunity for interpretations as a deliberate way to turn young minds against big-gun Industrialists..

Throughout the textbook there are passages about ''social equality'' and ''freedom''. We know where this water flows to...I'm not arguing that there shouldn't be social equality and freedom, but Communism is the last thing you'd need to create that.

Nowhere in the 4.6 billion years of Mother Earth's history has a Communist setting provided the above social qualities.. As a contrary check out the major red-zones of the world; you will clearly see what is meant by anarchism. Just look at China, North Korea and co...

The textbook also hails Gowri Amma's historic speech in the Assembly(oops...Gowri Amma, of all people!), Channar & Kayyur rebellions(have a clue what it is?) , land reforms, liquor and land mafia and other touchwood communist ideologies. Compare to the Gandhiji & Nehru speeches, Freedom struggles and other historic rebellions we were taught as kids. Now perhaps we could teach them Geography of Cuba and Chinese language in schools, eh?

And at the end of it all the lesson in page 24 appears. Innoxious, as it is in itself, but read it with the whole script...you will find a well-written story unfolding.

No wonder the Congress is on strike. They are the only guys who are desperate to get this textbook out of the schools, and they got strong and effective allies: their traditional strongholds, the Church & the Muslim League. Sadly, the 2 latter groups doesn't know what they are fighting for, because the chapter in itself doesn't proclaim atheism or communism.

In other words, the chapter must be taught! No confusions about that. Let the children learn what is the true meaning of ''secularism''. Let them understand that India is a secular state, meaning a no-religion state; and not a state where all religions are considered equally. Many of the most secular nations of the world provide a 'No Religion' option for their citizens, and its high time that we adopt such forward ideologies. C'mon, we don't need a brand to trust in God, do we? And did someone tell that social rot occurs if one doesn't have religion? mmmm... Santhosh Madhavan, Osama Bin Laden & George Bush did so much on behalf of their own religions. Are they doing the world a whole lot of good?

Allow the individual to have a say about his religion, let it be one of his personal rights. But in a country where parents & society decide what the child studies, whom to become, how, when and whom to marry and when to reproduce, this thought will take some time to go in...

So what about the landlord, Ambani, Gowri Amma and Kayyur saga in that book? Well, press that 'delete' button please...quick!

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