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Wednesday, April 27

How to be a Godman: for dummies

The characters in this post may not be fictitious. Any resemblance to people, living or recently dead may not be coincidental either. The videos, logs, links, images and place names indicated in this post are used just for transparency purposes but this author may not fully endorse the viewpoints in them. No patent/ idea trademarks have been applied to this post and you can feel free to implement them if you've the business acumen. Good luck.

Since there are no crash courses/ diploma/ baccalaureate programmes in any Universities offering education and training in Divinity/ Godmen enacting, I propose this draft to aid and guide wannabe Gods. About time we recognize the demand for such a course and request the help of my readers to pressurise the Unis to include this programme as a new Bachelor of Arts subject.

How to be a Godman

Ok, Let's get straight to the topic.

Make up your mind: Think twice, thrice or a hundred times about this. Be extremely cautious as this is the most crucial step in the whole business. There is no turning back once you're in and established. Meaning, if you get bored of the con-work then it may mean disaster. Think of the virtues of life you're going to compromise if you take up the con-way, but in the end if you're successful it's all worth it.

Do some background tweaking: Will be a question mark in the future. So convince those around you, including your parents. Brainwash your mommy and daddy that you just appeared on their bed one fine morning in padmasanam position with the hands in utharabodhi mudra, that you recited Upanishads and vedas at 3 years, had aura around your head etc etc. If you've some shady past then do your best to cover the tracks.

Gather some basic education: Get well versed in a few essential subjects.
  • Religion: Learn all major religions equally well. Memorize some catchy phrases from the Gita, Bible or Quran. Learn to blend them well when you're giving your enlightening speeches or sending out news bulletins. 6 out of 10 may recognize the original source, 2 of those may come out in the open but we've still got 4/10 fooled and bamboozled by your cosmic gyan. Nuff! That's all what we need for a start.
  • Vedas: Precursor to modern Science, the vedas have accumulated incredibly rich and accurate scientific knowledge and principles, mostly encompassing local knowledge. Put them to use and see how the chakras work for you! 
  • Astrology: Basic knowledge is quintessential. People come to you with an innate desire to know what's ahead of them. Get a handle on some tricks, build a database from prediction patterns in Astrology magazines and put them to use. Remember, always be vague. 
    • Psychology: Be a good observer and listener. Learn body language and signs. Distinguish between the hardcore bhakts, the 50-50 folks and the WTF guys. Don't try your petty, raw tricks on the last category; they'll spot-bust you.
    • Kamasutra: This is a double-edged sword. Use it very carefully or you'll inadvertently end up slicing your butt. Once you're embroiled in women and sex then the quick-path to doom will be open.
    • Magic: There is nothing like some good, cheap parlour tricks. Try the capsule-with-bhasma-between-your-fingers trick, some disappearing-reappearing acts, turning stone-into-gold tricks etc etc etc. Master your environment and your subjects' mind and they'll even see you levitate, your statue drinking milk and such outrageous stuff. Yes, hysteria is a powerful phenomena.
    • Science: Trust in Science. Trust more in Medical Science, especially a wing called Psychosomatic Disorders. Acknowledge the power of mind over body; you understand that, your principles don't. Do NOT attempt to revive the dead, unless of course you're enacting a drama with your trusted pals.
    • Pharmacology: May be necessary at times, especially in the nascent stages of your career. Always be prepared with some powdered allopathic and ayurvedic medicines to develop the 'healing power'. Mix with 'bhasma' and instruct your followers to drink it along with some milk in front of your photo. This will work.
    • Politics: Learn and understand politics and politicians. Find out how they survive, which will provide valuable insights and route-map for your survival too. You need a specially developed skin which will put the toughest pachyderms to shame. And Indian politicians are one of the best evolved of those species on the planet.  

       Be prepared to invest in time and money: It will take some time to build the brand, so be patient. Give yourselves say, 5 years. This will be a testing time. Invest in some 2gram Gold coins/ ornaments(don't ever use rolled Gold),some good medicinal products, be benevolent and philosophical, participate in community charities, engage with people, utilize the oratory skills and cheap tricks you've perfected, talk some 'Cosmic Bullshit' which will shut traps.

      Eg: "Known is a drop, unknown is an Ocean. Science just discovered 1% of Cosmic Phenomenon, there are 99% still left to be discovered, which may not be possible to explain through rationalisation"

      You need such tactics and verses to shut these atheists, scientists and cynics. Always be wary of the educated and clever but keep in mind that they're still human. Try the 'aura', 'psychology' and 'hysteria' card.

      Do some homework: Follow and go through the life cycles of your successful predecessors and identify common factors. Also look into the history of flop-Gods, some examples are illustrated in the latter part of this passage. Write down and memorize the do's and dont's. Build a personal library of some good philosophical quotes, proverbs and sayings.As we learned before, mix them well and use them in your enlightening spiritual guidance.

      Brand building: Very important. Start from the name. The suffix 'ananda' seems to be in vogue but no harm trying to be different. Don't be hasty in demanding the title 'Bhagvan'. Allow time to acquire that status; its some kinda Doctorate in this subject. Start with 'Guru', 'Swamy', 'Mata' and so on. Synonyms for 'happiness', 'glory' or 'truth' with a connection to Sanskrit will be perfect.

      Chose a colour which is not too hard on the eyes but strikes a distinctive connection with soul-related subjects. Say, saffron, yellow, blue, white or even black...Decide on the shade and style of attire you're going to chose. Even the hair-style and accessories could be important in giving this 'feeeeel' to your disciples and fans.

      Take care in naming the Ashram too. Something connected to your incarnation avatar. Once you short-list your pseudonym, then christening the Ashram should be a cake walk.

      Ashram location: My advice; build in a new place where there is plenty of scope for expansion. The site should have space for your all important, sprawling Ashram & appendages and must also have future provision for hospitals, airport, transport facilities, schools, work place, community support centers etc. If you're a visionary then you'll build a whole new town in your name, frequently visited by leaders of State and other VVIPs. Imagine that!

      Always be vague:Don't be clear-cut when giving speeches or when predicting causes and courses. Don't say "There will be an earthquake on April Fools day." Rest assured, there wont be one and you'll be in s**t. Say, "I see the unhappiness of Mother Earth getting ready to unleash her potent anger to strike down on mankind when the stars move across the north-eastern planes at an oblique angle" Trust the "law of averages" and "probability theories". Next week if the Pacific Ring of Fire cracks, which it obviously will, you've hit bulls eye! Nobody will notice it if nothing has happened. Bingo! :)

      Respect nature and natural laws:  Remember, Mother nature is the lone power we have to fear. Do not even think about conquering her. In other words, respect the elements. God forbid, if a fire breaks out or a tsunami strikes, then get your ass out asap. Nature does not discriminate. Survive. Live to tell and hear your miracles another day. Always keep a handle on the real world outside even when you're deep inside your Matrix.

      Continuing education:  Acknowledge the need to develop your skills and knowledge. Don't always BS the same, repetitive stuff on stage; you need new numbers to attract new and more preys.

      • Continue reading books on the essential subjects listed above
      • Perfect your language Skills
      • Polish your oratory skills 
      • Practice new magic tricks
      • Learn people and resource management
      • Practice and perfect Yoga and meditation

      Prepare to be 'inhumanly' generous: Our USP! This is the best way to get some serious attention & loyalty. Poverty, misery, suffering and unhappiness sells everywhere in the world. Give selflessly to what the needy needs. Treatment for illness, money, free education, food and clothes, psychological support. This is your bread and butter. Once you're well off, then build hospitals for the poor, schools, small-scale industries to employ local women, orphanages etc. Also try your hand in social upliftment by constructing houses for the poor, plan and carry out water supply/ electricity projects for the community. This is what will boost up your name and fame, this is what will make you who you are, this is what will shut the mouths of people who criticize you.

      Give back to the society what you get from them. Afterall our Govt itself is the biggest supporter of our business with generous tax exemptions, green-channel travel and Z-category VIP treatment. So use a percentage of these tax-free cash to generously give freebies to society.

      Always be aware that there is nothing in the world like good mouth publicity.

      Keep it simple: Classic example, this lady just 'hugs'. Yes man, she just hugs, and see the effect. Last time I heard the 'hug' was worth 2000 Crores.

      In other words, adhere to basic psychological support, magic tricks and principles. Don't try to predict the day and date you're going to die or else you'll end up confusing a lot of your disciples like the late Baba who died a good decade early than he 'predicted'. Adhere to the 'always be vague' principle when acting the Nostradamus.

      Do believe in the power of prayers. Prayer has been clinically proven to increase body immunity and even wade off conditions like Cancer. Yeah, it is called 'Spontaneous regression of Cancer' and attributed to physiological changes to the body induced by psychological mechanisms. So keep it simple through prayers, yoga, meditation and philosophical teachings.

      Recruit: Make sure you've got some good, trustworthy professional personnel behind you, yeah get some MBA guys. An educated man knowing the tricks of the trade is always an asset.You'd need financial experts to manage your money, good investment advisers, media relations pros,political advisers and over time you'd need specialized professionals to manage your hospital business, media channels, print & press and a whole bunch of money minting ventures.

      Make sure you gather some real loyal supporters who'd stand by you. Extremely crucial. C'mon, don't expect to fool everyone all the time. Someone will catch you in the act. Give people power and wealth that they'd stand by you.

      Franchise:  Even with all sophistication, you'd need someone in person who'd get grasp of local knowledge. Even USA has man-spies to infiltrate countries and organizations in spite of all those satellites and James Bond gadgets. So build pan-India, pan-World network. Get your disciples to open small Ashram branches in far away towns where you can keep a track of people visiting you.

      Spread your wings abroad. Try Amreeka, Eurozone and co. What they have is money, what hey don't have is peace of mind. Offer them that in return for what they have. This is a successful ploy. And do I need to explain the significance of foreign money.

      Draft visitor/ media policies: Ban mobiles, cameras, camcorders and such malicious stuff. It is almost impossible to perform miracles on tv other than cheapo magic tricks. Learn what our other rivals or contemporary men-of-magic have done on camera. No one has turned water into wine on visual record.  Accept the fact that you're NOT a Lord Ram or Jesus Christ.

      Remember, even the best swamis have been caught red-handed. This mischievous cameraman have almost poured water into a whole life work. And learn your tricks well; don't be a pathetic stage-magician like this baba.

      Utilise business opportunities when it arises. There is always scope for an Ashram-based TV Channel or newspaper showing only the astounding 'miracles'. Take special notice that if you start a school or college, then include your story and teachings in the syllabus.

      Always be in control: After a while even you may start to believe that there is something special in you. Don't overdo yourself. Learn from mistakes other wannabe Gods did in the past. Know the limits. Make sure you don't get too public with your fans like this idiot did a few moths back... Raasaleela is fine but not on Public domain unless you claim to be Valstyayana II or a Kamasutrananada. Well, even if you're so I wouldn't do this. Not acceptable.

       Reassess the situation regularly: After a while even you will be dumbstruck by the miracle tales you hear about you. That you've healed cancer, you've brought rain to the desert, you've produced apple in the Papaya tree etc etc. Don't lose focus. Study where other fools have faltered...Some important Case Studies would be:

      Santhosh Madhavan

      Bhadrananda 'Thokku' Swami: Biggest donkey! He not only uses vulgar language on screen but brings out the real character in him. Don't involve too much in politics and controversial social issues; its not your take. Don't be an ass like this fella; a perfect case study of how not to act a Godman. How depressing! He also has a dedicated Youtube Channel to enlighten the 'masses' which is full of profanity, like this. 

      Lesson: When in a hole, stop digging.

      Remember the Cardinal rules: Pay extra attention to the following sum-up points.

      • Never ever take up open challenges. Remember to be epiphanic and use juggle of philosophical phrases as explained above.
      • Don't lose focus. Remember, we're here for green bucks, not to be levitated straight to heaven
      • Keep your enemies far, detractors close enough but keep your friends tightly together.
      • Misery, sorrow and suffering are our bread and butter. Don't waste any opportunity to help people, win their trust and loyalty.
      • Treat all politicians equally and respectfully; never show discrimination.They're the one breed of people who can bring your empire crashing down overnight.

      Just in case things go horribly wrong, try relocation, brand revamp, a new pseudonym and try tweaking your methods. If you burn your bum trying to be Vatsyayananda in Bangalore, then try being Ahimsananda in Ahmedabad or try the hugging-kissing exponent in Varanasi. Remember, relocation is the key here.

      Bottomline: For every sensible person in this world you have may be a 100 souls willing to be fooled. They're your potential, they're your valuable customers. Don't mind the detractors too much; they're outnumbered. People will believe a lie screamed at you rather than a truth softly spoken.

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